Clark's Magic Steps: update

Two lovely bloggers have pointed me in the right direction to find the advert for Clark's Magic Steps…

Next step: finding a pair on eBay.

Don't you hate it when that happens…

What I wouldn't give for a roll in the hay…

It's a sad state of affairs when a spoof TV commercial for yogurt is just as good as any churned-out boyband relase…

Dynamo has rocked my world

Street magician, breakdancer and all-round man of mystery Dynamo just came into our offices.

If you've been living under a rock and don't know who this guy is, check out his showreel below…

As we all know, I am the most cynical being ever. I spit on Clinton cards, and have been known to squash a last Rolo. I didn't even put make-up on today. But, Dynamo magician rocked my world. He MAGICKED MY NAME ON A CARD…

AND HIS NAME ON THE OTHER SIDE…

There is no fit explanation for how he did this other than witchcraft.

Thanks Dynamo - you've ruined my life. Nothing is ever going to be as exciting as that moment.

Quote from my housemate…

"I'm not drunk, I'm just good-natured"

For the ride of your life…

Rollercoaster-themed condoms from a Thorpe park goody bag.

Stealth condoms - she won't see you coming…

Five things I didn't know about Steve Jobs before today…

1. He bought Pixar from George Lucas. And it was Pixar, not Apple, which made him most of his fortune

2. He was adopted

3. His birth-parents eventually married and he has at least one full-sibling

4. He tried LSD and described it as 'one of the two or three most important' moments of his life.

5. there are no known records of him donating to charity, and he disolved the company's charity programmes once he was reinstated as CEO

Boris Johnson - a tasty morsel

I'm not sure if this is epic, or a cynical marketing ploy.

Thanks to PIzaExpress, you can eat Boris Johnson's face.

The pizza's have been crafted to mark BoJo and Ken Livingstone* battle for Who Wants to be Mayor of London.

Boris is flavoured with spicy beef, onions, peppers and an unruly mop of Mozzarella to mimic Boris’ famous white-blonde shag.

The Ken pizza on the other hand, doesn't seem to be as well thought out - the press release said it has a strong tomato base and is topped with avocado because he likes growing fresh veggies in his garden. Who has actually grown an avocado in the garden, ever? I bet he also likes boiled eggs and coffee, but they haven't flavoured the pizza with that.

The ‘Boris’ and ‘Ken’ pizzas will be available at PizzaExpress restaurants across London from 3 October to 17 October. Am actually dying to try one.

*Ken-Li? Hmmm… Doesn't work, reminds me too much of this video…

Snoop Dogg praises giant swede while wearing a Cardiff City FC football shirt

Sometimes, you can't make these things up…

Rapper Snoop Dogg has posted a video of himself congratulating gardener Ian Neale, 68, on his giant swede. And if that wasn't epic enough, he did some wearing a Cardiff city football shirt.

He also offered the gardener two backstage passes to his sell-out Cardiff gig, which the curmudgeonly old bugger turned down because he only likes 'country and western'.

It actually took me a while before I figured out what sort of 'vegetables' it is that the Dogg is growing. The clue is in the background for the more eagle-eyed amongst you.

Boyfriend had a slight mishap at work…

Got a text message: "There's been a slight mishap in the ond remediation work. The fish will be living with me for a bit."

I am assuming the Radox is his.

Heidi the cross-eyed opossum has died

The most popular German import since schnitzel, Heidi the cross-eyed opossum has died.

Keepers at the German zoo where the squinty marsupial lived, said: "Heidi, our cross-eyed opossum, has closed her eyes forever today."

She was suffering from arthritis and her quality of life was said to be poor. She never looked forward to anything (too soon?).

RIP Heidi.

Jail-break parrots are teaching their wild cousins to speak

This is possibly the most epic news I have heard all week. Apparently, pet parrots who have escaped from their cages have been teaching wild birds how to speak.

Naturalists in Australia have been panicked phone calls from folk who have heard wild birds in their garden ‘speaking’ to them.

How terrifying would that be? It would be enough to make you put down your breakfast beer.

Stuff wot I baked: Coconut bread

My first attempt at any sort of tea loaf in over a year. Rather pleased with the results.

This woman is my idol

She's a pioneer. I could only dream of being this comfortable in my own skin.

Most celebrities hate me… How I thumb-warred jason Derulo

I'm lucky enough to have a day job where I get to meet famous people who we all know are exactly like us, only richer, better looking and more successful.

However, I have this amazing knack of making them hate me.

But, against the odds, Jason Derulo seemed to think I was alright. Check out the edited version and the version where he tried to get me laid by name-checking my boyfriend, below…

Happy Mondays: Jedi Kittens

I'm pretty sure that Jedi kittens are the whole reason George Lucas set up the whole Star Wars franchise…

The Wanted sang me a song…

Don't hate.

I don't understand how she thought that this was going to end any differently

A woman who thought she was buying an Apple iPad 2 for the bargain price of £110 ended up buying a plank of wood with the Apple logo painted on it.

The woman bought the 'iPad 2' from two men in a car park in Spartanburg, South Carolina. The two men claimed that they had bought amount of iPad 2s for a cheap price and were selling them on.

They even reduced the price by $120 from their original price of $300, carried the box to the woman's car and gave her a (fake) receipt.

Abused kids hate me, apparently…

Just seen this new advert from the NSPCC. Can't help but feel a little hurt.

If I wanted to have hate-filled accusations thrown at me by minors, I wouldn't have given that baby up for adoption while I was doing my GCSEs.

My capitcha is a creeper

Interspecies friendship: Alpaca and kitten

Because it's raining outside, let me warm the cockles of your heart…

Bully cat shoves cat in a box

I shouldn't laugh, but…

I want to be a Libyan rebel…

The best thing that has come out of Libya* are the photos of the Libyan rebels storming Gaddafi's palace.

Every single shot of them looks like it was taken for a Facebook profile shot. Unlike our soldiers who are busy making charm bracelets out of insurgent fingers and toes, these boys are really making the most out of the spoils of war…

*aside from the hope of peace and democracy…

Sparrows swap insults like rappers

The sweet chirping sound made by sparrows is actually the sound of male sparrows showing off and 'dissing' one another - like rappers in a rap battle.

"Song sharing among sparrows is actually an aggressive behaviour akin to flinging insults back and forth," said Anet Lapierre from the University of Western Ontario in Canada.

And I bet they haven't once had to reference Deuce Biggalow in a song - I'm lookin' at you Jay-Z…

London man to undergo therapy to beat sausage addiction

London man David Harding has apparently spent over £2,000 trying to beat his sausage addiction.

The bespectacled chap is downing as many as 13 testicle/eye/gristle-lumps-in-skin a day.

He reportedly spends £700 per year on the meaty morsels and 'can't imagine life without them'.

Am I missing something? They are sausages, not crack. Just don't eat them. Or at least, don't buy them. I can't imagine he gets the shakes and rushes old women on the street for their handbags to feed his addiction.

Maybe he could wee(iner) himself off with other phallic-shaped foods such as bananas, french sticks or cock?

Looks familiar?

Anyone else think that the decapitated Gadaffi statue looks like the clay head from Lionel Richie's video for Hello?

Just one of life's little mortifications…

Fell asleep next to a stranger at a party.

My hand appears to be on his cock. He's got his wallet out, and I am forcing my friend's head into my lap.

Whatever happened to those classy keys in bowls affairs?

Would like to add that this was an 80's-themed shindig. I didn't just roll around in Krisp and come out wearing whatever stuck.

Lions are 'lazy' and 'boring' says researcher

Think that you'd like to study big cats? Well think again. A leading researcher has dubbed researching lions as 'boring'.

A leading wildlife researcher Professor Craig Packer has dubbed researching lions 'boring'.

Professor Craig Packer and a team from the Serengeti Lion Project in Tanzania spent decades studying lions to find out whether or not lions who lived near a water source had better breeding success.

When the Professor first started to collect the data bacin in 1978 he had thought that the study would take around three years from start to finish. However, he hadn't taken in to account how little lions actually do.

"I had found lion research to be much less exciting than I'd expected," said Professor Packer. "Hours and hours of boredom punctuated by moments of sheer boredom, waiting for the lazy beasts to do something."

Luckily the team carried on their research, tracking 28 prides and more than 5000 lions throughout the years, to discover that yes, lions who live near water sources do lead longer and more successful lives.

Still like one as a pet though. I would call him Smedrick and we would ride down Oxford Circus and slay slow-walking tourists with our giant paws.

*Edit* Lions are no longer boring - I met one.

Treasure trove: Camden stables

Just been alerted to the treasure trove that is Camden Stables. Was on my way somewhere else, so couldn't stay and browse, but I will be returning soon *whispers* so, so soon my pretties…

They also run Indie Bingo on a Tuesday,so I have heard.

Looter walks out of court and into lamppost

Karma sure is a beautiful thing…

Bored at work, made this…

Photoshopped a looter for lulz.

London's Burning…

The world has literally gone mad. Cars are being overturned, buildings are being set ablaze - and we are making chocolate cornflake cakes.

Try one. They are exquisite.

Needed to use up all the chocolate from the party's chocolate fountain, and some musty old cornflakes.

Made with about three bars of Cadbury's Dairy Milk and some golden syrup.

Made me rather popular at home - or at least tolerated for a little bit longer.

The spoils of war

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me…

Met my sister for a bottle (or two) of prosecco, a fancy salad and a quick trawl of the local charity shops in her area. She was mortified, but as I was the birthday girl, she was forced to acquiesce.

These are the spoils of a day's drunk shopping.

From L-R…

1. Vintage Mills & Boon book

2. One fortune-telling penis

3. One picture of a big, scary baby

4. One vintage hairband box/possibly a champagne bucket.

I'm planning on framing the book in a boxframe and using the champagne bucket to put hairbands in. The creepy baby picture is my pride and joy - see how happy it made me:

*Edit* My boyfriend has told me that my room is now 'man repellant'.

The Queen finds Kate Middleton's wedding dress 'creepy'

Kate 'don't call me Kate' Middleton's wedding dress has gone on display at Buckingham Palace

However, not everyone is a fan of the exhibit; the Queen is said to have described it as 'creepy'.

What I find far creepier is the fact that she's got her dead mother-in-law's engagement ring and is moving into her house. Not to mention the fact that a lot of people think she was murdered.

It's like the plot of a bad horror movie. Pretty girl from the wrong side of town, meets an upperclass guy, they fall in love, get married, turns out the engagement ring belonged to his dead mother who died under mysterious circumstances, they move into the dead woman's house and… well, it doesn't end happily ever after. Unless your idea of happy ever after is a knife in the spleen.

Ps. In my movie, Camilla totally did it.

Cat brings in birds' nest complete with three baby birds

This is probably the most epic thing a cat has ever dragged in; a bird's nest complete with three baby birds.

Sadly, two of the fluffy buggers (goldcrest chicks if you want to be exact) didn't make it. But the third is fighting fit and being nursed back to health by the RSPCA.

Heartwarmer: Miracle goldfish found alive six months after the New Zealand earthquake

Two goldfish have been rescued after spending 134 days without being fed, or having their tank cleaned after an earthquake destroyed the office where they lived.

It is thought that they survived by eating algae which had grown on the side of the tank, and possibly their friends - there had originally been six goldfish in the tank - which not only fed them, but kept the tank clean.

Toxic seaweed kills French pigs

Five dead boar have been found in the bay of Saint-Brieuc, France, bringing the total to 31.

All of the boar were found floating in the water or washed up in the area.

The latest crop included two adults and three piglets.

The nearby beach has been closed for safety reasons after experts said that the boar could have been killed by toxic seaweed.

"We are very worried. How could we be anything other than worried when animals are being found dead?" said the mayor of Morieux, Jean-Pierre Briens.

Possibly the greatest thing wot I have ever found on the internet.

I can't quite get over this amazing discovery that I have made.

There is a website called fiverr.com where people post a list of things which they are willing to do for $5 (about £3.20).

I have already bought two amazing gems…

For $5 Damian from teen-flick Mean Girls will hold up the sign of your choice…

The sadness in his eyes shows you that he is unhappy with his fate as nothing more than a circus monkey.

But the real diamond in the rought is dancing Dror. Words cannot describe what you are about to witness. For the sum of £3.20, Dror will take his shirt off, write the slogan of your choice across his chest, and dance for thirty seconds to the music of your choice.

How could I resist? My boyfriend's birthday was coming up, laying rest to the age-old question 'what do you get for the man who has everything?'

*Edit* This video has now had over 2,000 views. I couldn't be prouder.

Bored at work, made this…

Wanted to see what my friend Zack would look like as a unicorn. Here is the result…

Thank God Harry had a trust fund - Hogwarts would set you back £30k a year

Normally I can't stand these sort of stories, but this one tickled me a bit.

Boffins/geeks/virgins have worked out that a term at wand-waving school of sorcery Hogwarts would set you back a massive £30k per year.

And that's not including feeding and housing your owl.

So, my question is, how can the Weasley's, forever more on the brink of bankruptcy, afford to send their fire-mopped brood to the school? They'd be paying 150,000 in school fees alone, not including Bill's dragon lessons.

I know this is possibly the wrong part of the whole plot to get hung up on, but it's these little details which make the whole series unbelievable.

And just because I can, Alan Rickman. Admit it, you would…

Chris Packham says fuck the pandas

Wildlife expert Chris Packham, claims pandas are not strong enough to survive on their own. He thinks the millions of pounds spent protecting them would be better spent on other animals.

“Unfortunately pandas are big and cute and they are a symbol of the World Wildlife Fund,” says Chris. “I reckon we should pull the plug. Let them go.”

Errrr… what? Aren't wildlife campaigners supposed to love and want to save all animals equally? if Packham doesn't want to save the panda - who is basically an adorable ball o' fluff, what help is there for nature's uggos such as the naked mole rat or the purple burrowing frog?

If this video is anything to go by, the germy little bastards are on their way out anyway. Soem sort of panda flu I heard…

Heartwarmer: Stripy 'Zonkey' born in China

A cross between a female zebra and a male donkey was born in China recently.

A rare cross between a female zebra and a male donkey, known as a donkra or zonkey, was born at Xiamen Haicang Zoo in South East China. He looks like a donkey wearing striped socks.

Words to live by

Heartwarmer: Paralysed lion can walk again - thanks to Facebook

Ariel was struck down by a virus that left him unable to walk. Since then he has had to rely on his owner Raquel for everything.

She said: “He was a perfectly normal and docile lion that slept with me until he was 10 months old.”

But, last year, after spending hours leaping and chasing balloons, Ariel started limping. He slowly got worse and, even though he had an operation, soon he was unable to move his legs.

Ariel had to leave Raquel and move into vet Livia Pereira’s house so she could look after him.

When a model in New York heard about Ariel she paid for a team of vets from Israel to go and visit him.

Each month it costs more than £7,000 to care for Ariel so Raquel has launched a campaign on Facebook to raise the money. So far more than 35,000 people have joined the Facebook page.

The campaign has brought in so much money, it could also pay for life-changing treatment.

Raquel explained that she will not give up helping her lion. “One thing we will never lose is our hope that Ariel will recover and start walking again,” she added.

Heartwarmer: US soldier asks Mila Kunis for a date on YouTube - she says yes

Mila Kunis, one of the sexiest actresses in the world, is going on a date with a soldier serving in Afghanistan – after he asked her out via YouTube.

She'll accompany US Marine Sgt. Scotty Moore to a military ball in North Carolina in November when he gets back from Afghanistan.

In the video, the marine says, "Hey Mila, this is Sergeant Moore, but you can call me Scott. I just want to take a moment out of my day to invite you to the Marine Corps Ball on November 18 in Greenville, N.C., with yours truly."

Surely this is what YouTube was invented for; the low-level badgering of celebs. If I was cynical I would say, yes, go Mila, you've just netted yourself money-can't buy promotion of you latest rather mediocre film, but as she's made this guy's dream come true (especially if he gets to tit her up in the taxi home), I'll let it lie.

Anyway, it's ex-boyfriend Macauly Culkin I feel sorry for; though he is used to sitting Home Alone

Stuff wot I baked: Carrot cupcakes

Bite-sized versions of the old classic. carrot cake topped with cream cheese icing and walnuts. Total brownie points.

The secret fireplace aka doorway to Narnia…

When I moved to my new flat, the place came fully furnished, so I didn't have to bring anything with me. Annoying because I love my furniture - massive bed, quirky shelving system, and would rather not have stand-alone wardrobes and chest of draws.

Yesterday, I was moving my wardrobe across the room, and I found a fireplace behind it.

Couldn't have been more shocked if I had found The Stig.

Contacted the landlord whose response was 'super - do you think that it's a secret doorway to Narnia?'.

It seems to be open at the top, so going to board it up with a piece or cardboard (ala my dad's advice) then add a surround or something.

Bit freaky, but pretty cool at the same time.

Quote from my housemate…

"The female orgasm has no biological function. She should think herself lucky if she has one."

Meal worm tacos

In my other life, where I am a grown-up and am expected to act as such, I was forced to eat meal worm tacos. And before breakfast.

I look like a div in the video, but you can watch it, if you like…

A gift from above

I found this painting outside my house. Nothing will stop me from believing that it is a gift from heaven.

Made housemate grab it under the cover of nightfall and it is proudly residing in my room.

*Edit* after lengthly arguments with housemates, turns out they are right; it's not a painting of Jesus, it's raphael's School of Athens. Bit upset as I was hoping it was a biblical fable that I could use as a metaphor or a sign from above.

Wiki-ed the picture and it seems to have very little in the way of hidden meanings.

Heartwarmer: Depressed wombat is back on track

Tonka the wombat became so depressed after Cyclone Yasi kept visitors away that he lost 20% of his bodyweight. Now that the visitors are back, he is back to full health.

After staff at the Billabong Sanctuary in Townsville "forked out some serious cash" on tests and vet bills it emerged that Tonka was depressed because of a lack of cuddles from human visitors.

But now that he is back to his regular routine, meeting visitors and having his photo taken, he’s regained most of the weight, and is back to his old feisty self.

Billabong Sanctuary manager Brett Flemming said: "Tonka was hand-reared by one of our rangers and normally spends a good part of his day with people," he said.

"At Billabong he is the star. Everyone wants to visit Tonka.

"After the cyclone he missed the public - the patting, the photos, the cuddles and the endless posing for the paparazzi."

Elderly patients given tambourines and maracas to use to call nurses

I shouldn't laugh, but dear God, I can't help it…

A hospital has come under fire for giving elderly patients tambourines and maracas to use to call nurses in an emergency

Instead of an emergency button, elderly patients in the West Wing of Cardiff Royal Infirmary we given tambourines to use to call for help in an emergency.

In some of the rooms a set of maracas were also in place, in case the tambourines broke.

The hospital said that the musical instruments were introduced after patients said that they were 'too scared' to go into the day room at the hospital in case they fell over and couldn't call out for help. They staff tried to use bells, but they were too heavy for the patients to lift.

An angry relative of one of the patients told the Daily Mail: "It is ridiculous. These people are pensioners not members of the Monkees or Mick Jagger.

"Where is the dignity in asking old and frail people to bash on a tambourine if they are in trouble? It makes the NHS look like a laughing stock."

The hospital have apologised, and have promised to install a 'proper' emrgency alarm system.