Don't you hate it when that happens…

Five things I didn't know about Steve Jobs before today…

1. He bought Pixar from George Lucas. And it was Pixar, not Apple, which made him most of his fortune

2. He was adopted

3. His birth-parents eventually married and he has at least one full-sibling

4. He tried LSD and described it as 'one of the two or three most important' moments of his life.

5. there are no known records of him donating to charity, and he disolved the company's charity programmes once he was reinstated as CEO

Boris Johnson - a tasty morsel

I'm not sure if this is epic, or a cynical marketing ploy.

Thanks to PIzaExpress, you can eat Boris Johnson's face.

The pizza's have been crafted to mark BoJo and Ken Livingstone* battle for Who Wants to be Mayor of London.

Boris is flavoured with spicy beef, onions, peppers and an unruly mop of Mozzarella to mimic Boris’ famous white-blonde shag.

The Ken pizza on the other hand, doesn't seem to be as well thought out - the press release said it has a strong tomato base and is topped with avocado because he likes growing fresh veggies in his garden. Who has actually grown an avocado in the garden, ever? I bet he also likes boiled eggs and coffee, but they haven't flavoured the pizza with that.

The ‘Boris’ and ‘Ken’ pizzas will be available at PizzaExpress restaurants across London from 3 October to 17 October. Am actually dying to try one.

*Ken-Li? Hmmm… Doesn't work, reminds me too much of this video…

Snoop Dogg praises giant swede while wearing a Cardiff City FC football shirt

Sometimes, you can't make these things up…

Rapper Snoop Dogg has posted a video of himself congratulating gardener Ian Neale, 68, on his giant swede. And if that wasn't epic enough, he did some wearing a Cardiff city football shirt.

He also offered the gardener two backstage passes to his sell-out Cardiff gig, which the curmudgeonly old bugger turned down because he only likes 'country and western'.

It actually took me a while before I figured out what sort of 'vegetables' it is that the Dogg is growing. The clue is in the background for the more eagle-eyed amongst you.

Heidi the cross-eyed opossum has died

The most popular German import since schnitzel, Heidi the cross-eyed opossum has died.

Keepers at the German zoo where the squinty marsupial lived, said: "Heidi, our cross-eyed opossum, has closed her eyes forever today."

She was suffering from arthritis and her quality of life was said to be poor. She never looked forward to anything (too soon?).

RIP Heidi.

Jail-break parrots are teaching their wild cousins to speak

This is possibly the most epic news I have heard all week. Apparently, pet parrots who have escaped from their cages have been teaching wild birds how to speak.

Naturalists in Australia have been panicked phone calls from folk who have heard wild birds in their garden ‘speaking’ to them.

How terrifying would that be? It would be enough to make you put down your breakfast beer.

I don't understand how she thought that this was going to end any differently

A woman who thought she was buying an Apple iPad 2 for the bargain price of £110 ended up buying a plank of wood with the Apple logo painted on it.

The woman bought the 'iPad 2' from two men in a car park in Spartanburg, South Carolina. The two men claimed that they had bought amount of iPad 2s for a cheap price and were selling them on.

They even reduced the price by $120 from their original price of $300, carried the box to the woman's car and gave her a (fake) receipt.

I want to be a Libyan rebel…

The best thing that has come out of Libya* are the photos of the Libyan rebels storming Gaddafi's palace.

Every single shot of them looks like it was taken for a Facebook profile shot. Unlike our soldiers who are busy making charm bracelets out of insurgent fingers and toes, these boys are really making the most out of the spoils of war…

*aside from the hope of peace and democracy…

Sparrows swap insults like rappers

The sweet chirping sound made by sparrows is actually the sound of male sparrows showing off and 'dissing' one another - like rappers in a rap battle.

"Song sharing among sparrows is actually an aggressive behaviour akin to flinging insults back and forth," said Anet Lapierre from the University of Western Ontario in Canada.

And I bet they haven't once had to reference Deuce Biggalow in a song - I'm lookin' at you Jay-Z…

London man to undergo therapy to beat sausage addiction

London man David Harding has apparently spent over £2,000 trying to beat his sausage addiction.

The bespectacled chap is downing as many as 13 testicle/eye/gristle-lumps-in-skin a day.

He reportedly spends £700 per year on the meaty morsels and 'can't imagine life without them'.

Am I missing something? They are sausages, not crack. Just don't eat them. Or at least, don't buy them. I can't imagine he gets the shakes and rushes old women on the street for their handbags to feed his addiction.

Maybe he could wee(iner) himself off with other phallic-shaped foods such as bananas, french sticks or cock?

Looks familiar?

Anyone else think that the decapitated Gadaffi statue looks like the clay head from Lionel Richie's video for Hello?

Lions are 'lazy' and 'boring' says researcher

Think that you'd like to study big cats? Well think again. A leading researcher has dubbed researching lions as 'boring'.

A leading wildlife researcher Professor Craig Packer has dubbed researching lions 'boring'.

Professor Craig Packer and a team from the Serengeti Lion Project in Tanzania spent decades studying lions to find out whether or not lions who lived near a water source had better breeding success.

When the Professor first started to collect the data bacin in 1978 he had thought that the study would take around three years from start to finish. However, he hadn't taken in to account how little lions actually do.

"I had found lion research to be much less exciting than I'd expected," said Professor Packer. "Hours and hours of boredom punctuated by moments of sheer boredom, waiting for the lazy beasts to do something."

Luckily the team carried on their research, tracking 28 prides and more than 5000 lions throughout the years, to discover that yes, lions who live near water sources do lead longer and more successful lives.

Still like one as a pet though. I would call him Smedrick and we would ride down Oxford Circus and slay slow-walking tourists with our giant paws.

*Edit* Lions are no longer boring - I met one.

Looter walks out of court and into lamppost

Karma sure is a beautiful thing…

London's Burning…

The world has literally gone mad. Cars are being overturned, buildings are being set ablaze - and we are making chocolate cornflake cakes.

Try one. They are exquisite.

Needed to use up all the chocolate from the party's chocolate fountain, and some musty old cornflakes.

Made with about three bars of Cadbury's Dairy Milk and some golden syrup.

Made me rather popular at home - or at least tolerated for a little bit longer.

The Queen finds Kate Middleton's wedding dress 'creepy'

Kate 'don't call me Kate' Middleton's wedding dress has gone on display at Buckingham Palace

However, not everyone is a fan of the exhibit; the Queen is said to have described it as 'creepy'.

What I find far creepier is the fact that she's got her dead mother-in-law's engagement ring and is moving into her house. Not to mention the fact that a lot of people think she was murdered.

It's like the plot of a bad horror movie. Pretty girl from the wrong side of town, meets an upperclass guy, they fall in love, get married, turns out the engagement ring belonged to his dead mother who died under mysterious circumstances, they move into the dead woman's house and… well, it doesn't end happily ever after. Unless your idea of happy ever after is a knife in the spleen.

Ps. In my movie, Camilla totally did it.

Cat brings in birds' nest complete with three baby birds

This is probably the most epic thing a cat has ever dragged in; a bird's nest complete with three baby birds.

Sadly, two of the fluffy buggers (goldcrest chicks if you want to be exact) didn't make it. But the third is fighting fit and being nursed back to health by the RSPCA.

Heartwarmer: Miracle goldfish found alive six months after the New Zealand earthquake

Two goldfish have been rescued after spending 134 days without being fed, or having their tank cleaned after an earthquake destroyed the office where they lived.

It is thought that they survived by eating algae which had grown on the side of the tank, and possibly their friends - there had originally been six goldfish in the tank - which not only fed them, but kept the tank clean.

Thank God Harry had a trust fund - Hogwarts would set you back £30k a year

Normally I can't stand these sort of stories, but this one tickled me a bit.

Boffins/geeks/virgins have worked out that a term at wand-waving school of sorcery Hogwarts would set you back a massive £30k per year.

And that's not including feeding and housing your owl.

So, my question is, how can the Weasley's, forever more on the brink of bankruptcy, afford to send their fire-mopped brood to the school? They'd be paying 150,000 in school fees alone, not including Bill's dragon lessons.

I know this is possibly the wrong part of the whole plot to get hung up on, but it's these little details which make the whole series unbelievable.

And just because I can, Alan Rickman. Admit it, you would…

Chris Packham says fuck the pandas

Wildlife expert Chris Packham, claims pandas are not strong enough to survive on their own. He thinks the millions of pounds spent protecting them would be better spent on other animals.

“Unfortunately pandas are big and cute and they are a symbol of the World Wildlife Fund,” says Chris. “I reckon we should pull the plug. Let them go.”

Errrr… what? Aren't wildlife campaigners supposed to love and want to save all animals equally? if Packham doesn't want to save the panda - who is basically an adorable ball o' fluff, what help is there for nature's uggos such as the naked mole rat or the purple burrowing frog?

If this video is anything to go by, the germy little bastards are on their way out anyway. Soem sort of panda flu I heard…

Heartwarmer: Stripy 'Zonkey' born in China

A cross between a female zebra and a male donkey was born in China recently.

A rare cross between a female zebra and a male donkey, known as a donkra or zonkey, was born at Xiamen Haicang Zoo in South East China. He looks like a donkey wearing striped socks.