Dynamo has rocked my world

Street magician, breakdancer and all-round man of mystery Dynamo just came into our offices.

If you've been living under a rock and don't know who this guy is, check out his showreel below…

As we all know, I am the most cynical being ever. I spit on Clinton cards, and have been known to squash a last Rolo. I didn't even put make-up on today. But, Dynamo magician rocked my world. He MAGICKED MY NAME ON A CARD…

AND HIS NAME ON THE OTHER SIDE…

There is no fit explanation for how he did this other than witchcraft.

Thanks Dynamo - you've ruined my life. Nothing is ever going to be as exciting as that moment.

Five things I didn't know about Steve Jobs before today…

1. He bought Pixar from George Lucas. And it was Pixar, not Apple, which made him most of his fortune

2. He was adopted

3. His birth-parents eventually married and he has at least one full-sibling

4. He tried LSD and described it as 'one of the two or three most important' moments of his life.

5. there are no known records of him donating to charity, and he disolved the company's charity programmes once he was reinstated as CEO

Boris Johnson - a tasty morsel

I'm not sure if this is epic, or a cynical marketing ploy.

Thanks to PIzaExpress, you can eat Boris Johnson's face.

The pizza's have been crafted to mark BoJo and Ken Livingstone* battle for Who Wants to be Mayor of London.

Boris is flavoured with spicy beef, onions, peppers and an unruly mop of Mozzarella to mimic Boris’ famous white-blonde shag.

The Ken pizza on the other hand, doesn't seem to be as well thought out - the press release said it has a strong tomato base and is topped with avocado because he likes growing fresh veggies in his garden. Who has actually grown an avocado in the garden, ever? I bet he also likes boiled eggs and coffee, but they haven't flavoured the pizza with that.

The ‘Boris’ and ‘Ken’ pizzas will be available at PizzaExpress restaurants across London from 3 October to 17 October. Am actually dying to try one.

*Ken-Li? Hmmm… Doesn't work, reminds me too much of this video…

Snoop Dogg praises giant swede while wearing a Cardiff City FC football shirt

Sometimes, you can't make these things up…

Rapper Snoop Dogg has posted a video of himself congratulating gardener Ian Neale, 68, on his giant swede. And if that wasn't epic enough, he did some wearing a Cardiff city football shirt.

He also offered the gardener two backstage passes to his sell-out Cardiff gig, which the curmudgeonly old bugger turned down because he only likes 'country and western'.

It actually took me a while before I figured out what sort of 'vegetables' it is that the Dogg is growing. The clue is in the background for the more eagle-eyed amongst you.

Heidi the cross-eyed opossum has died

The most popular German import since schnitzel, Heidi the cross-eyed opossum has died.

Keepers at the German zoo where the squinty marsupial lived, said: "Heidi, our cross-eyed opossum, has closed her eyes forever today."

She was suffering from arthritis and her quality of life was said to be poor. She never looked forward to anything (too soon?).

RIP Heidi.

Most celebrities hate me… How I thumb-warred jason Derulo

I'm lucky enough to have a day job where I get to meet famous people who we all know are exactly like us, only richer, better looking and more successful.

However, I have this amazing knack of making them hate me.

But, against the odds, Jason Derulo seemed to think I was alright. Check out the edited version and the version where he tried to get me laid by name-checking my boyfriend, below…

The Wanted sang me a song…

Don't hate.

The Queen finds Kate Middleton's wedding dress 'creepy'

Kate 'don't call me Kate' Middleton's wedding dress has gone on display at Buckingham Palace

However, not everyone is a fan of the exhibit; the Queen is said to have described it as 'creepy'.

What I find far creepier is the fact that she's got her dead mother-in-law's engagement ring and is moving into her house. Not to mention the fact that a lot of people think she was murdered.

It's like the plot of a bad horror movie. Pretty girl from the wrong side of town, meets an upperclass guy, they fall in love, get married, turns out the engagement ring belonged to his dead mother who died under mysterious circumstances, they move into the dead woman's house and… well, it doesn't end happily ever after. Unless your idea of happy ever after is a knife in the spleen.

Ps. In my movie, Camilla totally did it.

Thank God Harry had a trust fund - Hogwarts would set you back £30k a year

Normally I can't stand these sort of stories, but this one tickled me a bit.

Boffins/geeks/virgins have worked out that a term at wand-waving school of sorcery Hogwarts would set you back a massive £30k per year.

And that's not including feeding and housing your owl.

So, my question is, how can the Weasley's, forever more on the brink of bankruptcy, afford to send their fire-mopped brood to the school? They'd be paying 150,000 in school fees alone, not including Bill's dragon lessons.

I know this is possibly the wrong part of the whole plot to get hung up on, but it's these little details which make the whole series unbelievable.

And just because I can, Alan Rickman. Admit it, you would…

Chris Packham says fuck the pandas

Wildlife expert Chris Packham, claims pandas are not strong enough to survive on their own. He thinks the millions of pounds spent protecting them would be better spent on other animals.

“Unfortunately pandas are big and cute and they are a symbol of the World Wildlife Fund,” says Chris. “I reckon we should pull the plug. Let them go.”

Errrr… what? Aren't wildlife campaigners supposed to love and want to save all animals equally? if Packham doesn't want to save the panda - who is basically an adorable ball o' fluff, what help is there for nature's uggos such as the naked mole rat or the purple burrowing frog?

If this video is anything to go by, the germy little bastards are on their way out anyway. Soem sort of panda flu I heard…

Heartwarmer: US soldier asks Mila Kunis for a date on YouTube - she says yes

Mila Kunis, one of the sexiest actresses in the world, is going on a date with a soldier serving in Afghanistan – after he asked her out via YouTube.

She'll accompany US Marine Sgt. Scotty Moore to a military ball in North Carolina in November when he gets back from Afghanistan.

In the video, the marine says, "Hey Mila, this is Sergeant Moore, but you can call me Scott. I just want to take a moment out of my day to invite you to the Marine Corps Ball on November 18 in Greenville, N.C., with yours truly."

Surely this is what YouTube was invented for; the low-level badgering of celebs. If I was cynical I would say, yes, go Mila, you've just netted yourself money-can't buy promotion of you latest rather mediocre film, but as she's made this guy's dream come true (especially if he gets to tit her up in the taxi home), I'll let it lie.

Anyway, it's ex-boyfriend Macauly Culkin I feel sorry for; though he is used to sitting Home Alone

Pixie Lott likes my nail varnish

Interviewed pop princess Pixie Lott today.

Not only was she surprisingly nice, she grabbed my hand and said 'OMG - I LOVE your nail varnish. How did you do it?'.

My ego wouldn't allow me to take a photo miss Lott. I just took a photo of my own hand instead.

*Edit* It was Barry M's crackle effect nail varnish, for the record. Incase you want to buy some for Pixie when you see her next.

Hot manband comes to my office - am having a hot flush

In my other life - the one wot pays the bills and keeps me off the streets - X Factor finalists The Reason 4 came to our office to talk about their new single Take It All. Check out the video!

While I know, logically, in my head that I don't fancy them, someone needs to pass the message onto my groin.

Check out the video of them serenading me in the street below, then tell me that you don't need me to pass you a towel to sit on…

Insane Ian takes on Bruno Mars

Meet Insane Ian.

Alright, he may look a bit like a sex offender, and you definitely wouldn't leave your kids with him, but his lyrical genius has had me giggling like a loon, mainly when alone and on public transport, all week.

He's set to be the latest internet sensation with his fairly amusing rendition of Bruno Mars' Grenade, reworked into the style of a Mario Bro.

The best bit: he didn't have to buy any of the props he used in the video. this was just shit he had laying around. This man is a god, and must be worshipped as such.

Almost as good is his justification for the video: "If you're creative, you can re-arrange the letters in "Bruno Mars" to spell "Mario Bros". Kinda."

Watch the video below and be prepared to be blown away…

Move over Jesus, Kate Middleton's face spotted on jelly bean

You know that Royal Wedding mania has reached fever pitch when the future queen's face is spotted on sugary confectionary:

For just £500 and an eBay account it could all be yours.

Though, for £500 and an eBay account you could probably buy yourself a ticket to the actual wedding, or some camouflage gear and a bucket full of standard jellybeans to pelt the happy couple with.

No, this isn't an April Fools' Joke…

… It's possibly the most epic thing I have ever seen.

Boris Johnson and Arnold Schwarzenegger have teamed up to promote the Boris Bikes.

Apparently they went to a nice relaxing cycle then talked green issue in Bo-Jo's headquarter's.

I would literally sell a kidney to have been a guest at that teaparty.

Hitler: not a fan of Rebecca Black

After reports that Simon Cowell, Lady Gaga and the least gay Jonas Brother are all closet Rebecca Black fans, it's good to know that someone at leasts till talks sense…

Nick Pitera aka wtf?!

Nick Pitera is YouTube's answer to Raising Kane. How so many voices can live inside one man, I don't even want to know.

Not only is Nick Pitera able to sing the Disney songs pitch-perfect, his vocal range and voice acting skills as heroine, sidekick, chorus, hero and villan are spot on.

Despite being on YouTube for less than 24 hours, the video titled '"One Man Disney Movie" Nick Pitera Disney Medley Music Video' has received over 100,000 YouTube hits.

Combined with Zac Efron-esque good looks and a Bieber flick, it's enough to make a grown woman weep.

**Edit** Yes, that really is him singing. he isn't miming.

Justin Bieber waxwork revealed; looks nothing like him

Madame Tussauds revealed their Justin Bieber waxwork today. Trouble is, it looks nothing like him…

I'm Justin Bieber! Lol J/K, I'm obviously not…

Justin filled with an urge common to most non-Beliebers - the urge to give Justin Bieber a swift elbow in the face

Posing with his insanely young mother Patti Mallette - a teen-mum who must be laughing all the way past the abortion clinic to the bank.

In fact, here is a list of things that looks more like Justin Bieber than the Madame Tussauds waxwork…

1. Lesbians

2. A chipmunk

3. Ken from the 1980's

4. This potato

Hello…

Is it me you're looking for? Quite possibly, and now I have found you, due to this handy telephone poll flyer.